


This Choice

by SecondFromTheRight



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry Allen mentions, Eddie Thawne mentions, Episode: s02e23 The Race of His Life, F/M, Iris' POV, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 06:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11708757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondFromTheRight/pseuds/SecondFromTheRight
Summary: Iris tries to make a different choice this time.“Wait!” she grabbed his arm, getting his attention. “Barry…” she took a breath, “…kick his ass.”He nodded the briefest amount at her that she wondered if she’d imagined it, and she felt like an idiot. Kick his ass? It wasn’t what she’d stopped him to say. It wasn’t exactly her best encouragement either.





	This Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is set when Iris tells Barry to kick Zoom's ass in The Race of His Life. I always wondered about it because it's never seemed to me like that's what she actually wanted to say. So this is my take on it. If anybody knows of any cast and crew interview or anything about it, if it was what she was going to say, if there was supposed to be more to it, please tell me in comments!
> 
> Iris often doesn't get the focus she deserves to actually deal with stuff, to process everything she goes through and tell her side, particularly in Season 1 and the first half of Season 2. I wanted to try to explore that a little. I tried to have it set up for Barry and Iris' conversation before he leaves for Flashpoint, in terms of Iris' mindset. At least that it's not totally disjointed anyway (I hope)
> 
> This is Iris ready to start something with Barry, but there is thinking about Eddie in this. I know for some people that's not to their interest, so just wanted to warn ahead of it. I've also listed just Iris at the character, because it really is her focus and about her.

“Wait!” she grabbed his arm, getting his attention. “Barry…” she took a breath, “…kick his ass.”

He nodded the briefest amount at her that she wondered if she’d imagined it, and she felt like an idiot. Kick his ass? It wasn’t what she’d stopped him to say. It wasn’t exactly her best encouragement either.

She’d called him because she wanted to assure him. Of her belief in him, to tell him she understood how he was feeling, why he was so angry, to tell him they were sorry about having to lock him away. She wanted to ask him if he was okay. And she wanted to tell him she was sorry for the failure of the plan. She wanted to tell him she loved him, that she hadn’t changed her mind about him – about them. Her choosing as the rest of the team had didn’t mean she felt differently about them – that wasn’t what that was about.

That was what she’d meant to do. And typically when Iris had a goal, she saw it to the end. She was determined that way. Maybe even more so because of the few things she hadn’t been able to go after like she’d wanted to, like when her dad stopped her from attending the police academy. She loved where her life had ended up professionally and yet that one still stung, because it had been decided for her. It hadn’t been on her terms. So she tried to make up for it by going after everything else as much as she could. To be fearless, to go for it with all she had. Complete the goal, be in charge of herself, be her own power, make her own fate.

But as she’d looked at Barry, ready to go off and face Zoom, to risk his life, to save her dad – and her knowing he would do absolutely everything to save him - she'd thought about Eddie in that moment. She still thought about him a lot. It wasn’t thoughts with a theme of love or lust; it wasn’t necessarily that she missed him by her side or that she thought about them as a couple – usually it was just the existence of him. Like him telling a pretty awful joke, or him being drive on a case. His parents, sometimes. She had loved Eddie, but she’d liked him too – everybody had. Even Barry had liked Eddie, her dad too. He was a good guy, he was easy to like.

He was a good guy, and she’d forced their relationship - they both had. Mostly because of that very thing of having a goal and commitment and going with it to the end. Because she wanted it to be her choice, something that happened because she put the effort into it. Not fate or destiny that rendered her energy invalid, that took her agency, that made her choice for her before she was ready for it. She was Iris West, she would do what she wanted, she would love who she wanted. Nobody was deciding for her.

That stubbornness wasn’t a trait she wanted rid of. It had worked in her favour more often than not. And it was a major part of who she was. But she recognised its flaw now. She shouldn’t have forced her romantic relationship because she was terrified of having her choice taken away, of ruining her most important relationship with someone, with Barry, over something she didn’t understand yet. She should have tried something else. Taken a step back from both of them, both Eddie and Barry, until she truly figured out what she wanted. But with absolutely everybody telling her it was going only one way no matter what she said, with anybody everybody telling her how she felt – it had irked her so much and she wanted to rebel against it, stand her own ground. It was even worse because every single one of those people also knew about Barry being The Flash before she did. She didn't want another thing she was powerless about, left behind over, everybody else deciding for her. She'd been sick of having the rug pulled out from under her, having her feelings actually mean something other than what she thought. And her future seemed like the most obvious thing that should be hers, all hers. It was her choice, her future. She was the one who should have decided it, only her. So she'd taken charge in the only way she felt she could at the time - with how much little time there had been to try.

And Eddie was dead. And she felt guilt. Sometimes she felt guilty that he’d known she hadn’t been entirely genuine in those final days. And then she felt even more guilty about that because he should have known that she'd loved him, because she had. He shouldn’t have had to doubt that because she wasn't ready to step back and take a different look at something. And because those days weren’t fully about that love she had for him, because it hadn’t been the main thing driving her – she felt guilty. And he shouldn’t have died questioning how he’d spent those last days. He'd been right; Barry always had been a part of their relationship, a part of her so much that her feelings for him were in everything she did and everything she was. She wouldn't marry Eddie, she'd maybe still get to marry Barry. And Eddie never got to understand and accept that in the end, to even know that yes, he'd been right. But it hadn't meant she didn't love him.

It had taken her a long time to move on because of that guilt. She couldn’t give him a totally truthful last few days of his life, so she’d tried to give them in his death. Uncomplicated by other things; no influence or ulterior motive. She hadn’t gone on another date in such a long time, because she hadn’t been able to give him that complete honesty in the end, so she felt the need to give him that space and time of hers in death.

And it had taken such a long time to accept that maybe it was okay now, maybe she had given him that utter simple truth now, that respect and loyalty. Maybe it wouldn’t be betrayal to pursue Barry, finally, to admit that maybe they’d all been right. And if she carried on holding back for much longer she would be right back to forcing herself into situations just because she couldn’t get past that stubborn belief, and others would suffer for it, again. Because Barry deserved the same from her. He deserved her choice of him to be influenced by nothing but how she felt about him. She deserved that too. To fully make the choice, nothing else pushing her.

So when she’d looked at Barry, the one she wanted and the hero, going off to maybe die – she just couldn’t. It wasn’t right to put anything on him then – it wasn’t the right timing. So she'd taken the step back that she'd wished she'd had the time to take before. She chose him, as much as she possibly could in that moment. Not her own feelings, but his, hoping it would be the right choice for them together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate it. If you I'm doing anything particularly good or particularly bad, please let me know. Because I've been writing so many WestAllen fics in such a short space of time I'm a bit worried about getting into some kind of bad writing habit that sucks or something lol.


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